From the time I was a kid in elementary school until my mid-twenties, I dealt with crippling insecurity. It was so severe that whenever I met someone for the first time, I immediately created ideas in my head about why this person didn’t like me.

I would shake hands and immediately think why this stranger already disapproved of me. This process crippled me with insecurity because I never felt good enough. I never felt like I had value. I never felt like I had worth. I never felt like I had importance. And in a lot of ways, that insecurity caused me to disconnect from what was real. It caused me to become an observer of my life instead of a participant.

Insecurity is a gateway to judgement.

I heard a quote or idea, and I don’t know where it originated, but it says, “Everything you judge in others already exists in you.”

This means that when you step into a place of judgment over someone, it’s because something about them is triggering you. So whether you feel it, know it or not, it’s triggering you on a deep level, and it’s causing you to react to that trigger with judgment.

Then, you throw that judgment onto the other person. This doesn’t have to be a verbal judgment, although it can mean that. I’m also referring to the ways that you judge others when you’re not around them. What do you share with your friends, or what are your thoughts that no one ever hears about them? Something about them is triggering you, and it’s causing you to judge them.

The Two Reasons We Judge Others.

The first reason we judge is that something exists in that person that you don’t like about yourself. The second reason we judge people is because there is something in that person that you wish you had. You’re either judging people because they’re triggering you and showing you something you don’t like about yourself, or because they’re triggering you and showing you something you wish you had yourself.

Let’s talk about the first reason we judge. There’s something in this person you don’t like about yourself. I did this during my years of insecurity. If someone came across as insecure, I would judge them. I felt triggered by how they were behaving because it mirrored a behavior I didn’t like in myself.

The second reason we judge people is because something in that person exists that you wish you had. Let’s say you meet someone with genuine, authentic confidence. They carry themselves in a way that shows that they know their value. They have a purpose. They have a meaning. They come across as inspiring, engaging, and encouraging. But you don’t see those qualities in a positive light because it’s triggering this idea that you don’t have those traits. So you end up judging them because something exists within them that you wish you had.

We see and learn contrast from a young age.

We form our worldview early based on what we see as good and bad or as different or similar to us. We see contrast everywhere as little kids. We see it in how our family looks versus our friends. We see the contrast in how kids act at school. We see a contrast in how our mom and dad treat us differently. Contrast is everywhere, so we start to view the world through that lens. Left unchecked, we can begin to judge the things that are different from us. The contrast will lead to judgment until we learn there is a better way.

Think of why you recently judged a person. Somewhere in that judgment, you will find something you don’t like about yourself or wish you had. (The contrast becomes a judgment.) We judge people because they’re super fit and athletic, and we’re not. We judge others because they got into a school that we couldn’t. We judge others because they have incredible wit and humor, and we can’t seem to crack a joke. We judge others for so many reasons.

Judgement begins and ends in you.

No matter why you are judging someone, your judgment is about you. It’s easy to externalize judgment and think it exists outside of ourselves, but judgment is within. It’s our lack of understanding. It’s our lack of awareness. It’s our lack of information. It’s our lack of tolerance. When you judge someone, I can guarantee you that if you dig deep enough, you will uncover something that you need to work on.

When I realized that my insecurity was causing me to judge others who appeared insecure, my judgment became a red flag. The person I was judging became a mirror, reflecting information, lessons, and a deeper understanding of myself. It allowed me to take the judgment and transmute it into acceptance.

Every judgment can become a red flag and remind us that the person we’re judging is a mirror showing us something within ourselves. So ask, “What is this judgment teaching me that I need to work on? What is this judgment showing and revealing within me that I need to evolve?”

Judgment is so lazy. Self-evolution takes effort.

Judgment placed all of the blame and responsibility onto someone else. We judge instead of working on the parts of ourselves that need refined.

Start observing your judgments and then unpack them. Figure out what it’s revealing within you that needs attention. Then, do the necessary self-work to evolve and grow.